let's kill Santa...

Have you ever been in a situation where you realised, far too late, that what you were in the process of doing was likely to get you into trouble with either a) the wife, b) the church or c) the authorities? I had an experience like that last Sunday (on this occasion involving option 'b').

I'd been given the job of doing the 'talk' at our church's all age worship service (i.e. that service which miraculously induces boredom in both the adult and youth portion of the congregation at the same time). Having sat through far too many patronising and pointless examples of such talks I thought I'd try to produce something that was directed at the adults, but in a way still accessible to kids.

What I came up with revolved around a mildly amusing poem I found on the 'net a few years ago (apparently by Paul Gilmartin):

Eggnog, tinsel, falling snow
Buttered rum and mistletoe
Christmas trees and hanging lights
The sound of carollers fills the night

Shopping hours long and hard
Visa phones and cancels card
Unpaid bills and mounting debts
Family gathers; depression sets

Drinking starts, harsh words are said
Dysfunction rears its Yuletide head
Argument turns to shovin’
Drunken brother punches cousin

Tree tips over, popping lights
Curtains catch, house ignites
No one hears the reindeer cries
Wedged in chimney, Santa dies

Though he kicked and did perspire
His chestnuts roasted on an open fire

What I hadn't realised while I was preparing was that I was effectively killing off Santa in a church full of children (i.e. there were more than two). Oops. I could hear the parents all gasp as I got to the crunch line. 'Bugger,' they thought. 'Now we've got to try and convince little Sally that the silly man up the front didn't mean it.'

Yes I felt bad. Really bad.

But a couple of days later I heard about a local school's nativity play, which included angels, shepherds, wise men, elves and, of course, Santa. SANTA (which I'm sure you're all too well aware is an anagram of Girls Aloud Satan) in a nativity play? That would be like casting Capt. Mainwaring in Band of Brothers, or a raving heterosexual in Rainbow. Suddenly I didn't feel so bad about killing off Santa. If he's going to try and muscle in on the celebration of the birth of the Son of God™ then, frankly, the gloves are off.

Santa, be afraid, be very afraid. I'm comin' to getcha...